God Only Knows

9 months to the day

WOW I just realized today’s an anniversary day, which makes what Im about to profess all the more reasonable.

For those who know us(which is the majority of the people that read this blog) you may or not remember that Mike and Chars wedding song was “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys. Paul MCartney once expressed that he thought it was the deepest most beautiful song he ever heard,  and Ely and I agreed whole-heartedly. There was never a question that song over all others was the most dear to us. We spent many an evening laying on the couch together listening to music, not trying hard , not wanting it to be more,  just together. God Only Knows was one of those songs we would never talk over, we felt its power everytime and to be honest I dont think we discussed it much we didnt need to. When the topic of a wedding mix came up we both immediately knew God Only Knows would be the crowning jewel of that nuptial compilation.

The day of our wedding on the way to the Kings Palace Ely said “Jesus Char I never realized how depressing that song is – The first line is:: “I may not always love you….” . I of course brought him back around and convinced him he was being crazy to think that people wouldn’t feel the song as a whole like we did. And who gives a hoot anyway Mikey this is for you and me. So the wedding commenced without a hitch and we had an amazing day, the most amazing day.When we were cutting our cake amongst friends and family who could attend, we both held onto the knife and as it came down into the cake the knife broke in half. The handle literally came off in our hands with the blade stuck in the cake. Mike was so nervous he didnt know what to do, I said its like the wishbone its good luck. I never thought about it till now but we got the small end.

Today I took the girls to the beach one of his favorite places to be with me, and then later with the girls and I. As we were frolicking in the waves(and yes I do  mean frolicking) Jane spotted a boat coming close to the  shoreline where we were swimming. It was one of those boats that carry advertising on the back, for some random seafood buffet or water sport adventures. Didn’t think much of it, my own inner child fascination with watching boats in the water inspired me to keep an eye on it as it floated by. As it did I could hear the music. God only knows what Id be without you..God only knows…God only knows what I’d be without you.. I literally felt the breath sucked out of me,  looked around..looked at the ocean, the sky, Jane and Ellie and knew he was there.Thought of a million reasons why it should be him , why he would choose to talk to me this way, why he would pick this place and this time. Just yesterday Anne and I were talking about how we both see signs in music. It may be kooky but when you experience such a profound loss I believe you are open to things that normally are taken for granted. Or your just fucking crazy, but that remains to be seen;) The only argument I had against it was..well we are at the beach and it is a Beach Boys song, but when the boat came back around later and they were blaring “You Shook Me All Night Long” that discouragement vanished.
And as I sit down to write this afternoon, realizing 9 months ago today he stretched out on on one of our armchairs(not his normal spot by the way)  and never got back up….it was him , I know it.

God Only Knows:

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you

I miss you too my love.

Pretty Fly For A Dead Guy

109 days and counting……

I have been wanting to say that for a month. Ever since Steve Trumpey(?) posted on your FB wall, “Hey lookin good” or some such.

So yeah……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

You know my crazy ways and you of all people appreciated chars craziness. I had a dream you laughed at something I said, I heard you and saw you for a second and then you were gone , but for that second you were mine and I was yours and we knew each other like nobodys business. We were always BFF’s,  weren’t we? Even when we first started dating and people would say “Wow are you guys brother and sister???” We would politely say “No, we are boyfriend and girlfriend” How many times did that happen, I couldn’t even count. I have been thinking about that so much these last few weeks, how close we were, how we could read each other for so long. When that started to slip away, when I started to lose you and you started to lose me I wish I wish I wish I wish an Ish Fish Dish…

Speaking of Jane and Ellie they are doing ok. Remember when Jane was born and we immediately knew the depth in her eyes, and how she always told us she had a fight with God about which family she would be with. God wanted her to be in a  brown family but she fought for us….. That deepness in her eyes how we used to cry when we looked at her, the amazing things in store for this old soul, that found us..that fought for us…

Then Ellie came and they couldn’t have been more different. The light in her eyes was fresh, sparkling new. I remember how you said when you looked at Ellie it was like painting a picture, everything about her was pure inspiration. She is still like that my darling, that will never go away.

Jane misses you she misses drawing with you the most. You should have seen her light up the one night when Croce came by and he sat and they drew together. I hadn’t seen her happy like that in months. Your friends loved you and they love your children and they have been keeping up with me, they have been staying close, they wont let you down.

I bought a camera, the kind you always wanted for me. Its more important to me than ever before to contain our memories in bounded books and scrapbook pages. The girls need to be reminded of whom and which they came. I know you know what I mean by that. I’ve had it for 3 days now and cannot seem to get myself to pick it up. Its something that’s tied to you and without you being here to appreciate it, well its just a let down I guess. I wanna see your happiness for me, and your staisfaction that you completed something,  that’s part of the excitement. I will pick it up today I have committed myself to it…and Ill be thinking of taking pictures of your whimsical face all through the live long day.

Im so lonesome

65 days

I never realized how much attention you really did give me. Whether it was 3 phone calls a day or commenting on fb or sending me a link for something crazy you saw on the interwebs. Im feeling very lonesome Eli. I have my sister and so many friends who love both of us but I dont have you, my partna my sweet muffin butt. Everybody is missing you this week, your boys are lost without you on the schmib, and Steph keeps wanting to txt you about a movie she saw or a song she heard. She wrote to me the other day saying she saw Gwar tickets were going on sale and she lost it. I cant remember anything without you, what was life like before Eli, it seems so foreign to me. I know I can build something new, something inside myself and branch out and grow, Blossom is what my therapist told me. She said she cannot wait to see what I am capable of after we are done our work together, she sees something inside me blossoming, the more I look at me and the less I look at the circumstance that got me here. Shes really great Mike, you would love her, in a weird way I think you helped me find her, and I thank you for that. She used to be an archeologist, how freakin awesome is that. I know a real archeologist who wears petrified shark tooth earrings. I get a kick out of that, as I know you would.

The other day was my first day back to work and it felt great to be back and viable as Char. I really think in the end it will help me be a better mother to our lovely kiddos. When I got home I wanted to call you so desperately and tell you how it went. I could even play out the conversation in my head. You saying” So How’d it go today” and me saying “ It went great actually I got right back into the swing of things.” You saying ”Of course you did , your the best.”
I know thats what you would have said I just wished I could hear your voice.

 

Rhona- What’s the difference between you and god?

Char- Nothing

Rhona- God wouldn’t say he is like Char.